The Warrior's Path

Why have I walked away from this blog? I loved it. I really did. But as the years when on post op, and the new me settled in, I did what so many have done.. I forgot and I got scared to come back and let everyone know that I slipped up.
Sad, really. Isn't this the whole reason for sharing my journey? Hell, Oprah lost track too! But it is a downfall of mine, I strive to be the "A" student-- the good girl. And when I lost my way, and started gaining weight, I couldn't face it.
But the good news is, I am back. I want to discuss what has happened to me in the last year, so that post op patients really KNOW what its like LONG TERM.

So to get it out of the way... How much have I gained back? About twenty two pounds. Shit! That freaked me out just writing it.
How could I have gained that back? By not eating well and not exercising. By not doing what I know to be right. By going through some hard things in my life, and letting food be comforting again.
Do I look fat? Compared to my over 300 pound self, no. But compared to my lowest weight? I am feeling pretty chubby. It makes me want to scream.

The "warrior" in me says: "'Fess up, come clean and move on!", so that is what I am going to do here. I hope that new people reading this post will take the time to read my earlier posts--pre-surgery, post surgery, etc. I still feel like those emotions are valid and true and I would not go back for a second!


I still have alot to say about Gastric Bypass, WLS, weight loss in general, among other topics. I certainly needed something like this when I was began my WLS research.

I resolve to put ME back on my own list again. As I walk the Warrior's Path, who knows what battles may ensue? All I know now is: this warrior is trained, and understands the enemy like never before.

An Open Letter To My Former Self

(notice to readers: This is a letter I wrote to myself today. It's duality may sound a bit nutty and a bit like "Sybil" but don't we all have different parts of ourselves we choose to show or not each day?)




Dear Friend,

I am going to write this from my heart. I am so sorry I let you down. You had to go through so much as a morbidly obese woman. So much tension, so much concern and worry: "will that chair hold me?" "Can I fit behind the wheel of my car anymore?" "How do I ignore those mean and nasty comments from those kids in the mall and go have decent day?"

I know you wondered when and if the day would ever come that those concerns would fall by the wayside.. or at least, get put in to the file labeled, "The Past". I remember the endless dieting, the constant gauging your day by the numbers on the scale. I remember how you cried at night when no one could see or hear you. How quietly you despaired day by day. You had very little hope to go on.

Then, I came into the picture: The Warrior, The Best Friend, The Truth Teller. I told you it could be different if you made certain choices and commitments. If you faced your fears and conquered them one by one. I said I would be there for you. I would prop you up, and that it was okay to learn to be a strong, healthy thin woman because you had me to lean on. You blossomed into a veritable force of nature! You were thin, yes. But more than that, you became fearless, walking taller, a leader. You had your down times, but I listened and got you to look at the bigger picture during those times.

Of late, I have failed you and for that I am so sorry. I faded into the background again. I didn't stop you when you had to have that one last Reese's. I let your day to day worries creep in again and this time joined you! I lost my way too.

I just wanted to write this to let you know I am still here, still strong, still able to show you the ropes. You just need to accept where you are right now. Accept it, honor it and move on. Okay, so you have 25 pounds to lose. That is a good amount of weight to lose, yes. But it is not impossible. No need to go all the way back to the scared, tired, sick obese woman who did not believe in herself, who could not walk a block, who could not cross her legs, who made excuses about it all to hide her shame.. no need to do that anymore. You are not that woman anymore. (Eventhough it feels like you are!) You have gained back only 17% of your total pounds lost. That is still a passing grade, Missy. And no one is testing you!

So lean on The Warrior. I have been in battle and won most of them. I know how to do it. I know what to do. Just quiet the chaos and listen. Take the first steps forward. Because backward is no longer an option.

With great regard, my friend-

The Warrior

Inviting myself back into the picture

I know many of you can relate to taking care of others, and putting yourself at the bottom of "the list", so I thought I would blog about that today--and how it relates to weight re-gain.

I am a natural kind of helper-type, actually coach is a better term for it. I am always encouraging others to do more and lift their lives up a notch! But it astounds me how I can let my own self slip out of the picture. When feel good about helping others, that makes you want to do it more. But one catch is that it also can make you forget to care about YOU first.
Yes, i mean FIRST. What good are you to your children, spouse, friends or co-workers if you and not fully caring for yourself? I am learning this lesson this week.
I am slowly integrating better food into my diet, I am taking a damned nap if I damn well need one..(sorry, the swearing is emphasis for MY benefit only!), and realizing my worth to my self. Not as a wife, caretaker, daughter, sister, pet owner, friend.. but as a human being deserving good things. I start to "look away" from my life, when I forget to care for me. It's easier to look away and not get on the scale and eat junk when I don't even put myself on my own list! Does that make sense to you?

I am a fat girl inside a skinny girl's body!

Current weight: 172.3 lbs. On my way down to 147 lbs.

My sweet Sis in law, Susy said this to me today. "I am a fat girl inside of a skinny girl's body." This is so true for me. My weight has changed, my life has changed, but my brain ---well, not so much. I still react in times of stress like I used to, I want to eat. Now, granted I am better at it. But Susy and I always joke, "They bypassed my gut, not my BRAIN!" Too true. (Okay, 172 lbs and calling myself skinny you ask? Yep. Compared to the 311 lb woman I was...)

Now if I do not want the actual physical manifestation of that fat girl back, I must keep honest and clear. I can no longer try for perfection and then, when I fail back away from everyone and every thing. That does not work.

Just like "fat" comes from what's eating you (in your heart and brain)--'thin' comes from making the right choices more often than not and doing whats good for you.

Oh, by the freakin' way: went out for my first walk/jog today in eons. Felt good. Then, BAM! pulled a calf muscle! And limped hobbled and dragged my po self home to ice the injury. So now walking is a problem? Hell. The universe is trying to tell me something...I just have to slow down and listen!