Why The Weight...

I have decided in the interest of me "coming clean" about my weight gain, I would post the reasons WHY I think I have gained the weight back.

Simple Truths Of My Weight Gain:
I am eating too much/ portion control
I am eating too much sugar
I am eating out too often
I am not taking my vitamins as often as I should
I am not working out
I am eating late at night
I let the fact that I am always a Gastric Bypass Patient slip back into my unconsciousness.
I eat to soothe stress.
And most importantly, I became ashamed of the gain, hid out, and gained more. Lesson learned..Keep telling the truth. Keep "the lights" on!

An Open Letter To My Former Self

(notice to readers: This is a letter I wrote to myself today. It's duality may sound a bit nutty and a bit like "Sybil" but don't we all have different parts of ourselves we choose to show or not each day?)




Dear Friend,

I am going to write this from my heart. I am so sorry I let you down. You had to go through so much as a morbidly obese woman. So much tension, so much concern and worry: "will that chair hold me?" "Can I fit behind the wheel of my car anymore?" "How do I ignore those mean and nasty comments from those kids in the mall and go have decent day?"

I know you wondered when and if the day would ever come that those concerns would fall by the wayside.. or at least, get put in to the file labeled, "The Past". I remember the endless dieting, the constant gauging your day by the numbers on the scale. I remember how you cried at night when no one could see or hear you. How quietly you despaired day by day. You had very little hope to go on.

Then, I came into the picture: The Warrior, The Best Friend, The Truth Teller. I told you it could be different if you made certain choices and commitments. If you faced your fears and conquered them one by one. I said I would be there for you. I would prop you up, and that it was okay to learn to be a strong, healthy thin woman because you had me to lean on. You blossomed into a veritable force of nature! You were thin, yes. But more than that, you became fearless, walking taller, a leader. You had your down times, but I listened and got you to look at the bigger picture during those times.

Of late, I have failed you and for that I am so sorry. I faded into the background again. I didn't stop you when you had to have that one last Reese's. I let your day to day worries creep in again and this time joined you! I lost my way too.

I just wanted to write this to let you know I am still here, still strong, still able to show you the ropes. You just need to accept where you are right now. Accept it, honor it and move on. Okay, so you have 25 pounds to lose. That is a good amount of weight to lose, yes. But it is not impossible. No need to go all the way back to the scared, tired, sick obese woman who did not believe in herself, who could not walk a block, who could not cross her legs, who made excuses about it all to hide her shame.. no need to do that anymore. You are not that woman anymore. (Eventhough it feels like you are!) You have gained back only 17% of your total pounds lost. That is still a passing grade, Missy. And no one is testing you!

So lean on The Warrior. I have been in battle and won most of them. I know how to do it. I know what to do. Just quiet the chaos and listen. Take the first steps forward. Because backward is no longer an option.

With great regard, my friend-

The Warrior

Inviting myself back into the picture

I know many of you can relate to taking care of others, and putting yourself at the bottom of "the list", so I thought I would blog about that today--and how it relates to weight re-gain.

I am a natural kind of helper-type, actually coach is a better term for it. I am always encouraging others to do more and lift their lives up a notch! But it astounds me how I can let my own self slip out of the picture. When feel good about helping others, that makes you want to do it more. But one catch is that it also can make you forget to care about YOU first.
Yes, i mean FIRST. What good are you to your children, spouse, friends or co-workers if you and not fully caring for yourself? I am learning this lesson this week.
I am slowly integrating better food into my diet, I am taking a damned nap if I damn well need one..(sorry, the swearing is emphasis for MY benefit only!), and realizing my worth to my self. Not as a wife, caretaker, daughter, sister, pet owner, friend.. but as a human being deserving good things. I start to "look away" from my life, when I forget to care for me. It's easier to look away and not get on the scale and eat junk when I don't even put myself on my own list! Does that make sense to you?

I am a fat girl inside a skinny girl's body!

Current weight: 172.3 lbs. On my way down to 147 lbs.

My sweet Sis in law, Susy said this to me today. "I am a fat girl inside of a skinny girl's body." This is so true for me. My weight has changed, my life has changed, but my brain ---well, not so much. I still react in times of stress like I used to, I want to eat. Now, granted I am better at it. But Susy and I always joke, "They bypassed my gut, not my BRAIN!" Too true. (Okay, 172 lbs and calling myself skinny you ask? Yep. Compared to the 311 lb woman I was...)

Now if I do not want the actual physical manifestation of that fat girl back, I must keep honest and clear. I can no longer try for perfection and then, when I fail back away from everyone and every thing. That does not work.

Just like "fat" comes from what's eating you (in your heart and brain)--'thin' comes from making the right choices more often than not and doing whats good for you.

Oh, by the freakin' way: went out for my first walk/jog today in eons. Felt good. Then, BAM! pulled a calf muscle! And limped hobbled and dragged my po self home to ice the injury. So now walking is a problem? Hell. The universe is trying to tell me something...I just have to slow down and listen!

The warrior returns

Current weight: 172.8 lbs

It has been a wild period of time for me. In many ways, I have lost my way. (I almost typed that: "weigh"!) I was so positive and such a warrior with a go-getter attitude. I reveled in the fact that I had lost 147 pounds and exercised, completed a half marathon and felt great. How did I get to this point? When did I go "unconscious" again? And for God sakes, WHY?

I believe that the first step of healing any addictive or destructive behavior, is the shed light into the deep dark places. To come clean, own up, man up and 'fess up! Today, I am doing that.


3 years, 6 months, 4 days ago, I was given a second chance at having an active happy life. I had my MGB surgery. I battled a severe 11 weeks of vomiting and hung in there. I did the work, I exercised, I lost 147 pounds. My life changed beyond all measure! I could move, cross my legs, buy clothes in a regular store, not stress about who was staring at me, not worry about "if that chair will hold my weight"! Life was very different and so much better. I had lost 147 pounds. My lowest weight was 147.8 pounds. I am tearing up as I type this, but I have to put it "out there" and come clean. My current weight is: 172.8. I have gained back 25 pounds. It feels so dark and sad to type that.


This past year snuck up on me. For some reason or reasons I hope to discover, I went "underground" again. I stopped blogging. I stopped talking about my weight loss. I even stopped running. I stopped doing everything I knew to be the right things to do. I cannot say I got cocky, I did not. Lazy? Maybe. Stressed? Absolutely. While things in my own life got bigger and better, things in my parent's life got tougher. My parents are very elderly and dealing with the problems of two near housebound geriatric parents has been heartbreaking. This is NOT an excuse by any means. I say this so that others can recognize the stressors BEFORE they gain any weight back. Know that you will face these stessors and prepare yourself for your reactions.

Today, I had a bit of an "aha!" moment. When I lost the weight, I lost my Shame. I put that in capital letters because I walked around with that SHAME and it was heavier than the actual pounds! I was ashamed of my body, my home, my life, how out of control I was. I was ashamed to go out in public, ashamed when people muttered about me under their breath. Ashamed when chairs would break under me. Ashamed of my very SELF. I hid it pretty well, I must say.
When the weight was released from my body, the shame was too. I did not care what others thought, I just lived my life! But today, in near tears at the scale I realized that SHAME has come back into my life. I am ashamed I am not a perfect weight loss surgery patient. I am ashamed I am not a beacon for others. I am ashamed I have let myself go again. I had not realized that I have been ashamed of myself of late! It had led me back to my night eating, grazing, eating not out of hunger...all those habits that made me big in the first place. It begins with me with shame.

SO now light has been shined on my mess, and its time to clean it up! I am going for a walk/jog tonight. I am going to eat less in the evenings. I am going to get back to drinking my protein shakes. That's what I can commit to today. A battle is won but planning and re-adjusting to new situations as they arise.

I hope this helps some other WLS patient out there who is beginning to gain weight again. Get back to doing what worked in the first place. Shed light on the problem, own it and move on. That is what I am going to do.

What Fat Feels Like

Someone once asked me in all innocent honesty: "What does fat feel like?" I just remembered this. So I will write a free flowing stream-of-consciousness rant on this:


*slowness
*thickness
*walking through jello
*lumber some
*being in constant pain
*wiggling
*obviousness/ being seen
*joints hurting
*hiding
*uncomfortable
*old
*sick
*big
*weak
*fatigued
*nonsexual
*less feminine
*less adult
*hopeless
*sadness
*a way to communicate my inner problems
*I was less threatening to others
*not safe in many ways
*safe
*needy
*a way for others to lower their expectations of you