Why The Weight...

I have decided in the interest of me "coming clean" about my weight gain, I would post the reasons WHY I think I have gained the weight back.

Simple Truths Of My Weight Gain:
I am eating too much/ portion control
I am eating too much sugar
I am eating out too often
I am not taking my vitamins as often as I should
I am not working out
I am eating late at night
I let the fact that I am always a Gastric Bypass Patient slip back into my unconsciousness.
I eat to soothe stress.
And most importantly, I became ashamed of the gain, hid out, and gained more. Lesson learned..Keep telling the truth. Keep "the lights" on!

An Open Letter To My Former Self

(notice to readers: This is a letter I wrote to myself today. It's duality may sound a bit nutty and a bit like "Sybil" but don't we all have different parts of ourselves we choose to show or not each day?)




Dear Friend,

I am going to write this from my heart. I am so sorry I let you down. You had to go through so much as a morbidly obese woman. So much tension, so much concern and worry: "will that chair hold me?" "Can I fit behind the wheel of my car anymore?" "How do I ignore those mean and nasty comments from those kids in the mall and go have decent day?"

I know you wondered when and if the day would ever come that those concerns would fall by the wayside.. or at least, get put in to the file labeled, "The Past". I remember the endless dieting, the constant gauging your day by the numbers on the scale. I remember how you cried at night when no one could see or hear you. How quietly you despaired day by day. You had very little hope to go on.

Then, I came into the picture: The Warrior, The Best Friend, The Truth Teller. I told you it could be different if you made certain choices and commitments. If you faced your fears and conquered them one by one. I said I would be there for you. I would prop you up, and that it was okay to learn to be a strong, healthy thin woman because you had me to lean on. You blossomed into a veritable force of nature! You were thin, yes. But more than that, you became fearless, walking taller, a leader. You had your down times, but I listened and got you to look at the bigger picture during those times.

Of late, I have failed you and for that I am so sorry. I faded into the background again. I didn't stop you when you had to have that one last Reese's. I let your day to day worries creep in again and this time joined you! I lost my way too.

I just wanted to write this to let you know I am still here, still strong, still able to show you the ropes. You just need to accept where you are right now. Accept it, honor it and move on. Okay, so you have 25 pounds to lose. That is a good amount of weight to lose, yes. But it is not impossible. No need to go all the way back to the scared, tired, sick obese woman who did not believe in herself, who could not walk a block, who could not cross her legs, who made excuses about it all to hide her shame.. no need to do that anymore. You are not that woman anymore. (Eventhough it feels like you are!) You have gained back only 17% of your total pounds lost. That is still a passing grade, Missy. And no one is testing you!

So lean on The Warrior. I have been in battle and won most of them. I know how to do it. I know what to do. Just quiet the chaos and listen. Take the first steps forward. Because backward is no longer an option.

With great regard, my friend-

The Warrior

Inviting myself back into the picture

I know many of you can relate to taking care of others, and putting yourself at the bottom of "the list", so I thought I would blog about that today--and how it relates to weight re-gain.

I am a natural kind of helper-type, actually coach is a better term for it. I am always encouraging others to do more and lift their lives up a notch! But it astounds me how I can let my own self slip out of the picture. When feel good about helping others, that makes you want to do it more. But one catch is that it also can make you forget to care about YOU first.
Yes, i mean FIRST. What good are you to your children, spouse, friends or co-workers if you and not fully caring for yourself? I am learning this lesson this week.
I am slowly integrating better food into my diet, I am taking a damned nap if I damn well need one..(sorry, the swearing is emphasis for MY benefit only!), and realizing my worth to my self. Not as a wife, caretaker, daughter, sister, pet owner, friend.. but as a human being deserving good things. I start to "look away" from my life, when I forget to care for me. It's easier to look away and not get on the scale and eat junk when I don't even put myself on my own list! Does that make sense to you?

I am a fat girl inside a skinny girl's body!

Current weight: 172.3 lbs. On my way down to 147 lbs.

My sweet Sis in law, Susy said this to me today. "I am a fat girl inside of a skinny girl's body." This is so true for me. My weight has changed, my life has changed, but my brain ---well, not so much. I still react in times of stress like I used to, I want to eat. Now, granted I am better at it. But Susy and I always joke, "They bypassed my gut, not my BRAIN!" Too true. (Okay, 172 lbs and calling myself skinny you ask? Yep. Compared to the 311 lb woman I was...)

Now if I do not want the actual physical manifestation of that fat girl back, I must keep honest and clear. I can no longer try for perfection and then, when I fail back away from everyone and every thing. That does not work.

Just like "fat" comes from what's eating you (in your heart and brain)--'thin' comes from making the right choices more often than not and doing whats good for you.

Oh, by the freakin' way: went out for my first walk/jog today in eons. Felt good. Then, BAM! pulled a calf muscle! And limped hobbled and dragged my po self home to ice the injury. So now walking is a problem? Hell. The universe is trying to tell me something...I just have to slow down and listen!

The warrior returns

Current weight: 172.8 lbs

It has been a wild period of time for me. In many ways, I have lost my way. (I almost typed that: "weigh"!) I was so positive and such a warrior with a go-getter attitude. I reveled in the fact that I had lost 147 pounds and exercised, completed a half marathon and felt great. How did I get to this point? When did I go "unconscious" again? And for God sakes, WHY?

I believe that the first step of healing any addictive or destructive behavior, is the shed light into the deep dark places. To come clean, own up, man up and 'fess up! Today, I am doing that.


3 years, 6 months, 4 days ago, I was given a second chance at having an active happy life. I had my MGB surgery. I battled a severe 11 weeks of vomiting and hung in there. I did the work, I exercised, I lost 147 pounds. My life changed beyond all measure! I could move, cross my legs, buy clothes in a regular store, not stress about who was staring at me, not worry about "if that chair will hold my weight"! Life was very different and so much better. I had lost 147 pounds. My lowest weight was 147.8 pounds. I am tearing up as I type this, but I have to put it "out there" and come clean. My current weight is: 172.8. I have gained back 25 pounds. It feels so dark and sad to type that.


This past year snuck up on me. For some reason or reasons I hope to discover, I went "underground" again. I stopped blogging. I stopped talking about my weight loss. I even stopped running. I stopped doing everything I knew to be the right things to do. I cannot say I got cocky, I did not. Lazy? Maybe. Stressed? Absolutely. While things in my own life got bigger and better, things in my parent's life got tougher. My parents are very elderly and dealing with the problems of two near housebound geriatric parents has been heartbreaking. This is NOT an excuse by any means. I say this so that others can recognize the stressors BEFORE they gain any weight back. Know that you will face these stessors and prepare yourself for your reactions.

Today, I had a bit of an "aha!" moment. When I lost the weight, I lost my Shame. I put that in capital letters because I walked around with that SHAME and it was heavier than the actual pounds! I was ashamed of my body, my home, my life, how out of control I was. I was ashamed to go out in public, ashamed when people muttered about me under their breath. Ashamed when chairs would break under me. Ashamed of my very SELF. I hid it pretty well, I must say.
When the weight was released from my body, the shame was too. I did not care what others thought, I just lived my life! But today, in near tears at the scale I realized that SHAME has come back into my life. I am ashamed I am not a perfect weight loss surgery patient. I am ashamed I am not a beacon for others. I am ashamed I have let myself go again. I had not realized that I have been ashamed of myself of late! It had led me back to my night eating, grazing, eating not out of hunger...all those habits that made me big in the first place. It begins with me with shame.

SO now light has been shined on my mess, and its time to clean it up! I am going for a walk/jog tonight. I am going to eat less in the evenings. I am going to get back to drinking my protein shakes. That's what I can commit to today. A battle is won but planning and re-adjusting to new situations as they arise.

I hope this helps some other WLS patient out there who is beginning to gain weight again. Get back to doing what worked in the first place. Shed light on the problem, own it and move on. That is what I am going to do.

What Fat Feels Like

Someone once asked me in all innocent honesty: "What does fat feel like?" I just remembered this. So I will write a free flowing stream-of-consciousness rant on this:


*slowness
*thickness
*walking through jello
*lumber some
*being in constant pain
*wiggling
*obviousness/ being seen
*joints hurting
*hiding
*uncomfortable
*old
*sick
*big
*weak
*fatigued
*nonsexual
*less feminine
*less adult
*hopeless
*sadness
*a way to communicate my inner problems
*I was less threatening to others
*not safe in many ways
*safe
*needy
*a way for others to lower their expectations of you

Short hair for SUMMER!!

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Okay, some of you have been following my "evolution" shall we say... And a few months back I photo shopped a picture of myself with short hair. I have not had short hair since I was nine years old. I hated it then, and begged my mother to let me grow it.
Well I finally did it. I figured "It's only hair, if I hate it I will grow it out..." I wanted to know what it was like to have short hair, and NOT be considered masculine in any way. Femininity is an odd thing. Erin, my niece and hairstylist (in Beverly Hills no less) said that "Short hair takes confidence and some men still don't like women to have more confidence than they do!" I think she has a point on that one!

I like it. Its short, confident, but still soft and fun. Sassy is a good word for it! What do you think?
I just washed, blow dried and flat ironed it in less that 20 minutes total! WHOO HOO!

Day Four: Ugh

Day Four. Ugh. Can't seem to stop "grazing". I am not hungry. But I am stressed out. Life issues, money issues why do I let it affect my eating? Will I ever learn? I am struggling through today. Got to have hamburger patty. That was good. But I am overeating in portions and nibbling here and there. I am SO IRRITATED at myself. My DH has his big event on Sunday. Then things should cool down around here and get back to normal. I may do the Day 1 plan for the weekend. Make this a full week. See if that helps me get more control.

I am still amazed that I can eat as much as I am able to. My pouch is tighter but I realize how little it takes to loosen it up and stuff more in. EEK. Well the good thing is: I made it this far. I may have to go back and tweak my "Plan Of Attack" but I cannot quit now...

The Warrior Needs Look At the LongTerm Vision...

What a difference a day makes!

Beginning Day Three of The Five Day Pouch Test. And you know what? My pouch is not broken, stretched out beyond recognition or otherwise hiding. Its just fine. I am down 2.7 pounds and feel pretty darned good. In fact, I feel a bit better than a did before starting. My energy level is up a bit. I am full with a far less amount of food.
So good news on those fronts! Yay.

What has these past two days of protein shakes and liquids only taught me?

That I am still a food addict. While I did well on these days, all I thought about was food! All day long. It was silly, to be honest with you. But food addiction is just like any other addiction, it can be managed not CURED. Also, I am kind of babying myself with not doing any exercise. My head said "Well, you are just on liquids for God's sakes! You can't exercise!" Funny, how the brain makes excuses and gets really good at rationalizing! So today, I am going for a run at sunset.. A short one, but a run nonetheless.
Lastly, these past few days I have learned that this is part of my journey. The re-gain. I had to get scared, frightened out of my mind really to make this change. And I learned I will try my best never to look away again.

This warrior is making headway in this battle!

I am such a work in progress!

Sigh, I made it through my Day One of the FIVE DAY POUCH TEST plan. All liquids, protein shakes and such. It was hard but I did it. I stood on the scale figuring I would see a one pound loss. Nope. half a pound. So why am I so pissy about it? Lord, I need a smack. I am actually disappointed in the 1/2 pound loss. Hello? Earth to Barbara!

See, my problem with this weight regain is that I stopped stepping on the scale. Some folks have the opposite problem they step on it too often. I just stopped looking. So today I stepped on it one day later. Kind of a big deal for me. I have to face facts.

I think I am in mourning. Does that make sense? I think I am mourning the fact that I was a regular thin person. I am not. I never will be. Get over, woman! I am a weight loss surgery patient and I always will be. I cannot lose sight of that again.

Okay, I will post my goal weight. My original goal pre-surgery was 145 pounds. I then said I wanted to be 142 about half way through. Dumb, really. I wanted the number to be an even 150 pounds lost. Well, guess what happened? I didnt get to 145 OR 142. SIGH. I got to 146. Close!
Today I am 159.3. 14.3 pounds to go.

I will work out today. I am vowing that. Even for a half a hour. That will help. Just blahblahblahing today. Need to get this out of my head and onto the screen.

Update later.
Barb

A Warrior's Work: Part Two

Okay, I did it. I committed to doing this Five Day Pouch Test plan. I hope it helps me to rediscover my pouch! I am on day one: Liquids. Protein shakes all day. So far so good. Don't know if I could run five miles today but I am happy with my choice. The LivingAfterWLS Neighborhood is fantastic! A wonderful place to get support! I was really down in the dumps about this weight gain. It scared me to death. I did not feel like warrior, I felt like I was sliding fast into obesity again. Yet I was not scared enough to stop what I was doing! That freaked me out even more! Life stress has been enormous around here of late, and my eating has gone haywire. My workouts became non-existent and my running was becoming only a memory. So-- today I begin my journey. I am not starting OVER...I am just picking myself up and dusting myself off and starting from where I am. I have 16 pounds to go to get to my all time low of 144 lbs. I have to remember my old motto: "Progress Not Perfection"! Being too perfectionistic is a problem for me. I do not have to be the poster child for Weight Loss Surgery, only for my SELF. I am still proud of myself. That was even hard for me to TYPE! But I am. I did not let 15 pounds become 20 or 50 or 100. I am going to manifest the life I want!
I am a warrior. Are you?

A Warrior's Work: Never Look Away

I have not posted here in a very long time. There are many reasons, but one of them is what I want to discuss today.
It pains me to write this: I have gained weight. My first real gain since surgery. Not the up one pound down one pound kind of thing. A real live weight gain. I am up 11 pounds from my lowest weight. To say I am freaking out is to put in mildly.
I was chatting online with my dear sweet sister in law, Susy who also had the surgery. And she said, "we can never look away. That's what got us to where we were in the first place." Never look away. Hmmmm. That's exactly what I did. I stopped weighing myself for at least a month. And when I saw a few pounds creep up I did not take care of it. Then I looked away again.. and BOOM! 11 pounds!
I have been under enormous business and financial stress of late, and have dipped back into my old habits of eating junk. Not only am I eating it, but I am tolerating it better. NOT GOOD!! That is not what a gastric bypass patient should do. At the same time, I stopped working out with my trainer. I could not afford to spend that kind of money any more and swore I would do it on my own. I did not. So, I stopped running, stopped working out hard three days a week, started stress eating junk-- and here I am. With tears in my eyes, struggling to get back on track and get my head around this slip-up. My clothes are tight and some don't fit. That makes me CRAZY upset.

So, I started running again this week. Just a couple of miles... but I did it. And I started cooking my meals at home more.. (something I hardly EVER do) and working on taking care of the financial stress.

I can never look away again. Not for that LONG!
So for those of you who fear gaining weight after surgery. I am here to say not only CAN it happen, but it can happen easily if you "look away" for too long. I am giving myself a four pound buffer zone in the future. If I go on vacation and gain 3-4 pounds, then I take it off right away. I do not wait for it to be come 11 or 12 or 25 or 50!

I had been quietly fearing that my pouch has become stretched out and that my "tool" no longer worked. I did some research online and found a wonderful resource. It's called Living After WLS and it is run by Kay Bailey. She has a plan called the 5 Day Pouch Test. It's like the way we ate when we first got the surgery. It supposedly gets you off the junk food carbs and back onto a more protein-full diet. And in the meantime, your pouch shrinks back to a more post surgery size. Hunger is abated again and sometimes weight loss occurs. Make no mistake this is not a diet. Its a test to see if your surgical tool is still in order. I just may try this. One of the great places on this site is The Neighborhood a bulletin board of other WLS patients. Really great resource. I recommend it.

So, I am in a place of learning again. Never look away is my new mantra. Am I still a warrior? Hell, yes. Warriors have battles in which they do not succeed as planned. They just go back to camp and create a new plan of attack!. Do I feel like I went backwards? No, but I do feel like I was well on my way.

The honeymoon is over. Now the real work begins....A warrior's work is never done.

A Toast To Who?

A Toast! A Toast to me! Okay, before you get upset that I have become too vain..let me explain a bit. Today was the third day I spent in my studio painting a portrait. I have not painted anything since my weight loss surgery. I was so involved with my "new life" that painting, a real passion of mine took a back seat for two years. And it did not bother me in the least, I granted myself permission to NOT PAINT if I did not want to. One day, a few weeks ago, I started to get the "itch" to paint again. I had completely turned my studio into a store room, so: I cleaned it out and reclaimed it.
Here's where I get to toast myself: I always wanted to be a painter. I talked myself out of it since childhood as a flight of fancy. At 38, I actually learned how to paint and started classes. I was elated. I was a near 300 pound woman with no real joy in her life, and painting became my solace. Then fast forward to two years ago, my weight loss surgery changed everything. I became so much more than I allowed myself to be at 300 lbs. I gave myself permission to try everything. Painting was great, but my journey was "big enough" so I allowed myself a sabatical from painting.

So, today--here I am home alone.. and enjoying it. Painting all day in my studio, then I jumped in my hot tub and sat there with a drink and toasted myself. Here I was, painting a portrait, sitting in a hot tub (in a bikini no less), and most of all --happy. Wow. What a difference two years can make! I am a bikini-wearing-hot-tub-enjoying-portrait-painting thin woman. HELLO? When did that happen?? LOL.

Cheers!

Does This Clutter Make My Butt Look Big?

Ha! I bet that title got some folks attention! I took it from a book I recently read of the same title. And it got me to thinking: Does excess weight and clutter really have some sort of relationship? I can only answer that for myself and the answer is an unqualified "YES!"

I am a one of those folks who, let's just say: I have a high tolerance for clutter. Or I used to! Some thing's changing though. The more weight I have lost, the less I tolerate the chaos of a messy home. Now, I am by no means a newly born NEATNIK. Not in the least, but I am enjoying getting my home in order. That's VERY weird for me to say.
The clutter and junk was overwhelming. In fact, I hate even to write this out for the world to see! But its true. I feel like my husband and I were on our way to becoming one of those wackadoodle couples who live with stacks of stuff all around the house barely having room to walk! (I am exaggerating but it's not that far off!)So what is different for me?

Everything. I hold myself to a higher standard, I think. I value myself more. And simply put: the chaos just ain't working for me anymore!

So go figure, lose weight and get a new tidier outlook too. Yet another benefit of my journey.

Liberation and Short Hair!

What's that you say? LIBERATION and short hair? What exactly does that mean?

I have been thinking of cutting my hair even shorter. Why? Because I can. When I was obese I had varying length of longer hair. I hid behind it. NEVER considered cutting it short. That thought brought up feelings of: "People will see how fat my face is!" (As if hair really HIDES anything) and "People might think I looked too masculine." When I was fat I did not feel particularly feminine. (Despite my enormous curves!) I felt like I was hiding inside a fat suit. So my hair was my only link to my femininity. And it felt limiting too. I worried about every haircut.. Was it too "Mommish"? All that stupid vanity stuff we all go through!! It makes me crazy!

Fast forward to now. Two years and a loss of 145 pounds later...Getting my hair cut short will be a big moment for me. It will I can be feminine and have short hair. Strong and wise without worrying about what others think of me. And if I hate it..I will just grow it out! No longer am I bound by my LIMITED beliefs about myself and limited beliefs others have about women and attractiveness.

To quell my fears, I even Photo-shopped a picture of me with a new cute short haircut..Not bad, huh?

Passionate About Living Life

I have not blogged in a month or so. Not that I don't have something to blog about--I always have something to say! But I have been busy reclaiming my life. Standing in awe of what I never realized I had been missing while being obese. Now I am settling in to my "New Self". Its not new on the inside per se, but the new outside has created more confidence, courage, bravery and ambition (is that too strong a word?) I feel like I can take on the changes that come to me without fear now. Even the bad things that sometimes find their sneaky way to me, don't affect me in the same way. Or that is to say, I no longer react the same way.

I think people may read my blog and be frightened of the changes if they are just beginning their journey. All I can say is "Don't be! You can do it! Its a wild ride, but remember really--you are doing the driving. It's all you."

I now like to push myself to do things I normally would shy away from. I feel so much more OPEN, more adventurous, less concerned with what other's think of me! I have passion for life again. That is something you cannot give to someone. It is a gift you give yourself.

That's all for now.

Somethings Gotta Give

Every had "one of those days" turn into "one of those weeks", or for me, ONE OF THOSE FEW MONTHS? OMG I am so exhausted. I sit here, typing this with some sort of bronchial infection/crud that will not let me feel better. I have had one crisis after another and one houseguest after another since October! Good GOD, let me rest!!!! Then last week my husband got into a car accident. He is fine but our car is totaled. We have a second car, but it was very traumatic nonetheless.

I need to learn how to say NO. Even to the fun stuff. If I am tired and run down I need to stop and take care of myself. GOOD GOD, when I am going to ever learn this? My weight is creeping up, due to eating junk or what I call STRESS EATING. If I don't get a hold of it, it will lead me down a dark path.

I will be O.K. but I am not O.K. today. Just needed to vent...

Learning New Things

Saw the movie, "Bucket List" this week. It got me to thinking about all the things I still want to do. I want to learn new things.

How does "learning new things" tie into the "losing weight" thing, you ask? Well, here is my experience:

Losing weight has made me bolder. Less afraid of the world and others. I feel more authentic, and I guess "Critics be damned!" This has led me to do other things on my personal "Bucket List". One of them is to Learn Italian. Why Italian you say? Why not a more useful language, like Spanish? Well, in 1981 I graduated from high school and went on a trip through Europe. I fell in love with the Italian language. I thought any language that calls a WINDOW: "finestra" or ORANGE JUICE: "succo d'arancia" was simply beautiful to me. Useful? Not really but beautiful and that was reason enough for me to learn it. I told myself then: "When I return to Italy, I will speak the language." That was 26 years ago and many New Year's resolutions ago. This year, I have begun the learning process. This Irish princess is now called a "Principessa Irlandese"!

Maybe a trip to Italy will come for me soon. I can enjoy it and speak a little too! Cross another thing off my Bucket List!

Ciao! I blog sarà sicuramente più tardi!

Short Hair = Confidence?

I have had long hair for a long iime. I had it shorter about 10 years ago, but grew it out and kept it at a moderate length. This was mostly because I was heavy. I thought that keeping my hair long would hide some pounds. (LOL, this did not work.) I wanted to keep some essence of my feminity. Now, don't go bashing me about this: the fact is that the more weight I lost the more feminine I felt. I know this is not the case for some people. It was for me. So now 145 pounds less than my starting weight, I felt like I did not want to hide my face behind my long tresses anymore. It was a risk, but I took it. (I am good at taking risks now!)

I took a stand: I can be just as feminine with shorter hair as those with longer hair. I do not have to fit a societal mold of what "femininity" should look like.

So off the hair went. And you know what? It was so freeing! To not have to depend on my long hair. I feel like I walk in a room and people see ME, not my hair. It was empowering to cut it off!

SIX POUNDS UP! OMG

Okay I begin my 2008 with the truth. I have gained weight. Big deal, you say? Everyone does over the holidays! Well, this is the first gain of note for me since my surgery two years ago. And I am taking it very seriously. I will not, WILL NOT become a post gastric bypass "gained-all-the-weight back" story! I refuse to. I did eat more junky things over the holidays. I did stop running due to a knee injury. Both those things have altered my body weight.

I weighed 153 today. That is 6 pounds heavier than the l47 I usually hover around. It is a huge deal to me. I am not beating myself up, but I am getting "BACK ON THE WAGON", before five pounds leads to ten..

Worked out today, started back on my protien shakes and ate pretty well. I have tolerated sugar better and candy was sneaking its way back into my life...eeek.

I am a warrior, I can do this.