Inviting myself back into the picture

I know many of you can relate to taking care of others, and putting yourself at the bottom of "the list", so I thought I would blog about that today--and how it relates to weight re-gain.

I am a natural kind of helper-type, actually coach is a better term for it. I am always encouraging others to do more and lift their lives up a notch! But it astounds me how I can let my own self slip out of the picture. When feel good about helping others, that makes you want to do it more. But one catch is that it also can make you forget to care about YOU first.
Yes, i mean FIRST. What good are you to your children, spouse, friends or co-workers if you and not fully caring for yourself? I am learning this lesson this week.
I am slowly integrating better food into my diet, I am taking a damned nap if I damn well need one..(sorry, the swearing is emphasis for MY benefit only!), and realizing my worth to my self. Not as a wife, caretaker, daughter, sister, pet owner, friend.. but as a human being deserving good things. I start to "look away" from my life, when I forget to care for me. It's easier to look away and not get on the scale and eat junk when I don't even put myself on my own list! Does that make sense to you?

I am a fat girl inside a skinny girl's body!

Current weight: 172.3 lbs. On my way down to 147 lbs.

My sweet Sis in law, Susy said this to me today. "I am a fat girl inside of a skinny girl's body." This is so true for me. My weight has changed, my life has changed, but my brain ---well, not so much. I still react in times of stress like I used to, I want to eat. Now, granted I am better at it. But Susy and I always joke, "They bypassed my gut, not my BRAIN!" Too true. (Okay, 172 lbs and calling myself skinny you ask? Yep. Compared to the 311 lb woman I was...)

Now if I do not want the actual physical manifestation of that fat girl back, I must keep honest and clear. I can no longer try for perfection and then, when I fail back away from everyone and every thing. That does not work.

Just like "fat" comes from what's eating you (in your heart and brain)--'thin' comes from making the right choices more often than not and doing whats good for you.

Oh, by the freakin' way: went out for my first walk/jog today in eons. Felt good. Then, BAM! pulled a calf muscle! And limped hobbled and dragged my po self home to ice the injury. So now walking is a problem? Hell. The universe is trying to tell me something...I just have to slow down and listen!

Running for my life at last

Before I left for England, I did another thing that shocked me. I signed up for the Maui Half Marathon. (A half marathon is 13.1 mile run...) Scott was interested in training for the Maui Marathon (26.2 miles), he talked about it with his trainer and he really wanted to do it. I said go for it! Then I found myself wondering if I could ever do a race like that. If you remember in my first 5K run, I was exhausted and not properly trained for any kind of running, but the act of running a 5K left me exhilated at my body's capacity. I asked my trainer, Sarinas, if she thought I could do a half marathon and she excited said, "Sure! We could get you ready for that!" I signed up that night, paid for it and decided to train for it when we got back from our England/Scotland adventure.

I can hardly recognize the person I am now internally and externally. A half marathon? Training? Running? Sometimes I want to ask, "Who are you and what have you done with Barbara?!" I am constantly asking myself when presented with new oppurtunites, "I wonder if I can?" That was not a phrase I uttered 18 months ago. It was more like, "Oh, I can't do that.." That was the quiet voice in my head that had lead my actions for a decade.

I am learning with this process, that I must keep the promises I make to myself. It is one thing I can do to better myself. Running is one comittment I can keep that will also help me keep my new found health and weight range. It is a tool I can use so I do not return to my larger body and much-smaller life.

When I weighed over 300 pounds, I got periodic mild-to-moderate panic attacks. Often during these episodes, I would say in complete desperation: "I just want to be able run for my life, if I had to!" At the time, I could barely walk to my own mailbox to get the mail right outside my front door without wheezing.

The little girl who sat out recess to read, who thought sports were for "other people", is fading into the past at last. Today, I truly am, "RUNNING FOR MY LIFE!"