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The warrior returns

Current weight: 172.8 lbs

It has been a wild period of time for me. In many ways, I have lost my way. (I almost typed that: "weigh"!) I was so positive and such a warrior with a go-getter attitude. I reveled in the fact that I had lost 147 pounds and exercised, completed a half marathon and felt great. How did I get to this point? When did I go "unconscious" again? And for God sakes, WHY?

I believe that the first step of healing any addictive or destructive behavior, is the shed light into the deep dark places. To come clean, own up, man up and 'fess up! Today, I am doing that.

3 years, 6 months, 4 days ago, I was given a second chance at having an active happy life. I had my MGB surgery. I battled a severe 11 weeks of vomiting and hung in there. I did the work, I exercised, I lost 147 pounds. My life changed beyond all measure! I could move, cross my legs, buy clothes in a regular store, not stress about who was staring at me, not worry about "if that chair will hold my weight"! Life was very different and so much better. I had lost 147 pounds. My lowest weight was 147.8 pounds. I am tearing up as I type this, but I have to put it "out there" and come clean. My current weight is: 172.8. I have gained back 25 pounds. It feels so dark and sad to type that.

This past year snuck up on me. For some reason or reasons I hope to discover, I went "underground" again. I stopped blogging. I stopped talking about my weight loss. I even stopped running. I stopped doing everything I knew to be the right things to do. I cannot say I got cocky, I did not. Lazy? Maybe. Stressed? Absolutely. While things in my own life got bigger and better, things in my parent's life got tougher. My parents are very elderly and dealing with the problems of two near housebound geriatric parents has been heartbreaking. This is NOT an excuse by any means. I say this so that others can recognize the stressors BEFORE they gain any weight back. Know that you will face these stessors and prepare yourself for your reactions.

Today, I had a bit of an "aha!" moment. When I lost the weight, I lost my Shame. I put that in capital letters because I walked around with that SHAME and it was heavier than the actual pounds! I was ashamed of my body, my home, my life, how out of control I was. I was ashamed to go out in public, ashamed when people muttered about me under their breath. Ashamed when chairs would break under me. Ashamed of my very SELF. I hid it pretty well, I must say.
When the weight was released from my body, the shame was too. I did not care what others thought, I just lived my life! But today, in near tears at the scale I realized that SHAME has come back into my life. I am ashamed I am not a perfect weight loss surgery patient. I am ashamed I am not a beacon for others. I am ashamed I have let myself go again. I had not realized that I have been ashamed of myself of late! It had led me back to my night eating, grazing, eating not out of hunger...all those habits that made me big in the first place. It begins with me with shame.

SO now light has been shined on my mess, and its time to clean it up! I am going for a walk/jog tonight. I am going to eat less in the evenings. I am going to get back to drinking my protein shakes. That's what I can commit to today. A battle is won but planning and re-adjusting to new situations as they arise.

I hope this helps some other WLS patient out there who is beginning to gain weight again. Get back to doing what worked in the first place. Shed light on the problem, own it and move on. That is what I am going to do.


Lisa on 4:36 PM said...

I follow you and your sister in law, Susy. As a matter of fact, I was wondering where you had gone because you hadn't blogged much. I understand your pain...I am almost a year post mgb and I think I have stopped losing at 122 pounds. The reason I have stopped is because I do eat whatever I want. The difference is, I do not eat out of control...I eat smaller portions and do not starve myself. If I did deprive myself, I think I would begin to gain the weight back again because I would do the constant yo yo dieting again. Have you talked to Dr. R. about the gain? What does he say to do? I have read that people can gain up to 15-20 percent of what they not beat yourself up over it, jsut get back to what you used to do.
How is your husband doing with his weight lose? Let me know if I can be of any help... I am here to support!

Paula Warner said...

Hi, since my surgery back in May of 2000, I got to thinking I was "normal" and forgot that I wasn't. When I started visiting the UStream clinics on Tuesdays, I realized I wasn't taking my health seriously. I don't own a scale. I refuse to. It makes me mad. So, I use my clothes as a guide. Anyway, I am feeling like I need to get back into my journey with eating healthy and keeping active. I started support groups so that I can get outside myself and help others who are struggling with their weight loss surgery struggles. I am hoping this will help me get the support I need as well. By the way, you look great!!

Laurie on 8:48 PM said...

You Have taken the FIST step, taking responsibility, thats 1/2 the battle. You remember that. Also you just need to find your groove, and get back on track, I love there is so much support and inspiration there is GLORIOUS!! I will support you by prayer and you will prevail!! Now GO RUN!!! LOL

QM on 2:47 AM said...

hey, I'm a new follower of your blog. I just have to say I love your blog so much!

It's so inspirational(:

Elinor said...

I am so grateful and I really needed this blog! I have gained 8 lbs and have been in a panic! I have increased my protein this week and am hoping to see results soon. I will be walking more - running is out due to knee problems. I have to do this! I don't like panic!!!!

Anonymous said...

God Love Ya! Reading this has made me cry "Yes! Finally! I am not the only one!". You're right, when I started the downward spiral, I retreated from the messageboards and my fellow MGB'ers. I started at "only" 222#, but with sleep apnea, high blood pressure and a certain date with diabetes. In Nov 2006 Dr. Peraglie gave me a 3' bypass due to my smaller size. It took me 15 months, but I finally reached my 145# goal. That only lasted a couple months, then back up I went. I knew a 10-15% bounce back was possible, but I'd regained 22#, a 30% regain. I have managed to so far lose 5# through hard work.

I'm cheering for you!!
- Linda Underwood

jwade on 7:26 AM said...

You may not realize it, but by speaking out about your own loss & gains, you are helping others! You have made me come clean w/ my 20ish pound weight gain & I am starting the pouch test on Monday. I once was 140 & I will be again! T.E.A.M - Together Everyone Achieves More!

If we stick together, we can ALL get there!

Fearless Artist on 9:31 AM said...

Oh my gosh, all of you so rock! I so needed to know that this little blog of mine mattered to someone else. Thank you all for your support.
I was so inspired by your comments, that I have put on my running shoes and I am going for a walk/jog. WOW.

Carrie on 11:53 AM said...

Hey Barb! Good to see you writing again. I have gotton a little fluffy around the edges too, but not a lot to worry about. I figure...I am healthy and I look good. The number on the scale doesn't really matter that much to me. You still look fabulous!!!