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An Open Letter To My Former Self

(notice to readers: This is a letter I wrote to myself today. It's duality may sound a bit nutty and a bit like "Sybil" but don't we all have different parts of ourselves we choose to show or not each day?)

Dear Friend,

I am going to write this from my heart. I am so sorry I let you down. You had to go through so much as a morbidly obese woman. So much tension, so much concern and worry: "will that chair hold me?" "Can I fit behind the wheel of my car anymore?" "How do I ignore those mean and nasty comments from those kids in the mall and go have decent day?"
I know you wondered when and if the day would ever come that those concerns would fall by the wayside.. or at least, get put in to the file labeled, "The Past". I remember the endless dieting, the constant gauging your day by the numbers on the scale. I remember how you cried at night when no one could see or hear you. How quietly you despaired day by day. You had very little hope to go on.

Then, I came into the picture: The Warrior, The Best Friend, The Truth Teller. I told you it could be different if you made certain choices and commitments. If you faced your fears and conquered them one by one. I said I would be there for you. I would prop you up, and that it was okay to learn to be a strong, healthy thin woman because you had me to lean on. You blossomed into a veritable force of nature! You were thin, yes. But more than that, you became fearless, walking taller, a leader. You had your down times, but I listened and got you to look at the bigger picture during those times.

Of late, I have failed you and for that I am so sorry. I faded into the background again. I didn't stop you when you had to have that one last Reese's. I let your day to day worries creep in again and this time joined you! I lost my way too.

I just wanted to write this to let you know I am still here, still strong, still able to show you the ropes. You just need to accept where you are right now. Accept it, honor it and move on. Okay, so you have 25 pounds to lose. That is a good amount of weight to lose, yes. But it is not impossible. No need to go all the way back to the scared, tired, sick obese woman who did not believe in herself, who could not walk a block, who could not cross her legs, who made excuses about it all to hide her shame.. no need to do that anymore. You are not that woman anymore. (Eventhough it feels like you are!) You have gained back only 17% of your total pounds lost. That is still a passing grade, Missy. And no one is testing you!

So lean on The Warrior. I have been in battle and won most of them. I know how to do it. I know what to do. Just quiet the chaos and listen. Take the first steps forward. Because backward is no longer an option.

With great regard, my friend-

The Warrior


Anonymous said...

ok, Barb, you did it, you made me cry! I feel for you and the anquish inside of you! I am 9 days from my one near surgery for the MGB and I too feel at some point that I am failing my self. I am at 124 pounds lost and feel as though I should have done more! I know that sounds silly...but I too, am afraid of gaining that 15-20 percent that Dr. R. says we can gain. I too am afraid of slipping back into the patterns that got me obese in the first place. I too am afraid that this is a life long thing and the diet just continues for the smaller me. There is no easy fix or cure. We are addicted to food and we have to remain true to ourselves and make the right choices. The surgery has helped us lose the weight, but not the love of food, not the thought of food, not the fear of turning back. SO please know that so many of us feel just as you do and are determined to fight this battle with you. Keep journaling, keep blogging, keep talking to your self and others in the same boat as you. This will help you to stay strong and stay a warrior. The fact that you have come back to us for support shows just how determined you are to take back what you gained. I will continue to follow and support you my friend....good luck to you and I know you can get through this! Cut out the reese's, stay away from dining out for a while, or at least eat smaller portions of protein and salad....I find it is the carbs and sugars that put the weight on fast.
Keep your chin up, you have come so far and remember this journey never ends. You will remain steadfast!