faceook icon
Add to


Freaking out that this won't last!

I am freaking out lately. Freaking out about "the rug being pulled out from under me". From waking from this dream and when I awake, I will down at my body and realizing this whole thing is not real. I will not be 160 pounds, but the old 292 pounds and I will trouble walking up stairs again. I will breathe too hard, I have asthma, again. I am tired. I cannot tie my own shoes, I cannot cross my legs, I am shunned silently as I walk down an aisle of an airplane ("please don't let HER sit next to me!" looks on people's faces..),I cannot sit on the floor to play with my niece Hope or with my pets, the list goes on and on.

I have this reoccurring fear that this will all be taken from me. As if it was given to me and I had nothing to do with it.

I realize I made the choice for surgery, made the choice to live with the side effects and do what I had to do to get through the rough part, I make choices every day. But sometimes I feel those old patterns wanting to creep back in, and I freak when I give in to a food I can now tolerate, a snack I shouldn't have--etc. Make no mistake I have learned alot in my behaviors. I have made enormous changes. But I still battle the demons that make me choose foods I shouldn't. Thank God for THERAPY. That is one big thing that is different this time: I am facing what drove me to use food as a source of comfort. So I am changed in many ways, physical, mental, spiritual and in almost every area of my life. But demons are sneaky. So today, I am worried.