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Getting to goal...or not

Goal : \ˈgōl, noun
Websters dictionary defines the word as such:
"The terminal point of a race. The end toward which effort is directed."

I have not lost much weight in months. I have weighed between 162-166 since November.
Who cares really? Right? I feel great, I can buy normal clothes and being an average size has been an amazing thing for me? But strangely, I DO want to get to my goal weight of 142-145 lbs. My weight loss has slowed or stopped on its own. I know the "honeymoon phase" of my weight loss surgery is probably past. And (I think) I am okay with that. So at 162 pounds and wearing mostly size 6 and a couple of size 4's(GASP!) why would I even care about what number I weigh? Hmmm... alll I can come up with is this: I have never won anything. I want towin this race. I have, on all aspects ---except the actual number.

I guess its conditioning. All those years of dieting and yo-yo-ing and standing on scales cringing and worrying about the number. Numbers do not matter. In fact, recently-- I saw a friends face screw up in disbelief when I told her how much I weigh! She said, "There is no damned way you weigh 162 pounds! You look like you weigh no more than 135 maybe 140!" Everyone says this to me.

I think what is bringing on this mild (very mild) discontent, is the fact that the surgery has done it's work and now I feel like I am on my own. Alone in my control of whether I gain back weight or keep this new life of mine! And that ladies and gentlemen, that scares the crap out of me.

In some ways, I am continuing to give the surgery all the credit for the weight loss, separate from me and my choices and actions. As if it where a "magic", and I just sat back and lost weight without any effort or struggle of my own. And that is SO NOT TRUE. I have to give myself the credit for this. I did it. I made the choice to have the surgery, I made the choice to live through some hard months at the beginning and not give up. Now I have to make new choices. Better foods, better care of myself. By doing this, maybe my actual weight will not matter. I will know in my heart I am doing all I can to take care of myself . And that will be enough.


Susy on 6:59 PM said...

Barb- You do look so wonderful and happy. I am learning from you all the time, and I love you for being honest, sweet, caring and straight forward honest.

I hear you were shopping again on Sunday. he he :) Can't wait to shop with you someday.

Be good to you. You are worth it!